Do you repeat the same mistakes in your relationships? Have you ever wondered why this happens?

When you look back at your past relationships, do you ever notice a pattern? Do you always make the same mistakes and fall for the emotionally unavailable ones (guilty!), the manipulators, or those that cheat?

Apparently, there is a neurological and psychological explanation for this behavior.

Humans are creatures of habit, in a professional, friendship and romantic capacity. You end up doing the same things over and over because it feels easy and comfortable to you. It’s common to avoid the unknown because you don’t know where it will lead… even though you are looking for happiness.

According to a psycho-emotional philosophical author, we, in fact, are not looking for happiness but familiarity. Attachment theory tells us what your future relationships are going to be like. How your parents treated you and acted towards you as a child will affect how you relate to people. These relationships when you were younger, will have given you a model as to how relationships should be.

According to de Botton, the author, you unconsciously look for your parents in your future romantic relationships. Your romantic partner does depend on the attachment you had as a child.

60% of people who underwent the study have secure attachment. The other 40% have an insecure attachment, which is further broken down between avoidant and anxious attachment.

What is an insecure attachment?

If one of your parents wasn’t around or didn’t give you much attention, you might end up with anxious or avoidant attachment. This could lead you to search for a partner who is emotionally unavailable. If you were abandoned as a child, you might look for love where you have to earn the other person’s love.

An anxious attachment person may need to be with their partner constantly. They might also need the frequent reassurance of their partner’s feelings. If you are a dismissive-avoidant person you can emotionally detach yourself from relationships. This makes you feel independent, you have learned to depend only on yourself.

How to change these attachments

When you repeat the same mistakes in your relationships, it is down to psychological and neurological issues. Your brain is trained to head towards familiar paths and this does make it difficult to change this behavior. You must first there recognize the pattern of picking the wrong people, it might take time, and it will be painful, but its down to you to recognize your pattern.

Once you have established this pattern, take small, slow steps to change it. This will also be difficult, if you are attracted to emotionally unavailable people, for example, you should cut ties with these people, your brain might try to tell you they will change, but they won’t. So you must. This new behavior will train your brain to follow a slightly different path, and in turn, you will no longer make the same mistakes, and instead pick people who will make you happy and feel secure.

This article was originally appeared at Life Advancer and used here with permission.

By Holly W.

Have you ever wondered why you can’t change your life?

Do you begin to make a positive change and then slip back into old habits? Read on to find out why…

Before we discuss the main subject, let’s talk about the function of your subconscious mind for a minute. Its purpose is to create mental programs and habits which allow your mind to run on autopilot. From basic programs like breathing, all the way up to how we speak, how we stand, even how we eat. And for your subconscious, the more programs it has the better. If there is a program for a certain situation that is stored in your mind, your subconscious feels safe. It has experienced that thing before and knows the parameters and how it should act in that situation.

Your Subconscious Doesn’t Like Change

Because of this, the subconscious mind abhors change. All change is viewed as uncharted territory and therefore dangerous. And it will do everything in its power to stop this change from manifesting in your life, purely out of fear and self-preservation.

Have you ever been so anxious about trying something new that you were shaking at the thought of it? If you have, yet still pushed yourself to do this thing, you will remember the absolute relief that comes over you after you’ve done it for the first time. That terror is the subconscious trying to hold you back, trying to keep you from progressing, without realizing it. Yet as soon as you have completed something new, just once, the subconscious has a program it can draw upon and most of the anxiety will have dissipated at this point.

How to Make your Subconscious Stop Holding you Back

Now the ‘new thing’ that you are trying to achieve may be an emotional or non-physical state. Such as happiness, health or success. Even so, your subconscious will still treat it as uncharted territory and therefore dangerous. The key to getting past this is to simply push on, hard though it may be. Keep going, keep trying, keep succeeding and you will shock your subconscious into creating a new mental image of itself. A mental image that is successful, intelligent and progressing in life. Every success you have along the way will help the subconscious in believing you are a successful person.

Allow me to explain. Picture a set of scales in your mind. Every time you push through the barrier and achieve what you set out to achieve, whether big or small, one ‘success coin’ is placed on the right side of the scale. The more you achieve, the more coins you collect and the easier it is to push the scale in your direction, until the scales literally tip to your advantage and success becomes the default mental program for you.

After this happens, you won’t have to work as hard to achieve your goals and as soon as you’ve set your mind on something, it’s almost guaranteed to manifest for you. The most impressive change I have experienced with this ‘tipping of the scales’ is how much confidence you will suddenly have. Nothing seems insurmountable anymore, your perspective will completely change and you will actually welcome challenges due to the fact that you know you can achieve them and achieving things feel good.

Watch: Remove Subconscious Blockages

Below are some suggestions which will help you in manifesting this change:

  • Always keep a positive mental attitude -If something goes wrong, change your plan, not your goal and try not to be frustrated or disheartened by the little things.
  • Always keep your end goal in mind -Repeat it to yourself throughout the day, remind yourself why you are working so hard.
  • Always push yourself to try new things -Repetition and experience is how the subconscious learns. Try new things, succeed at them and move on to the next step.

So keep your head up high, keep pushing on, keep working towards your dreams. For once you have achieved one, like a domino effect, you will naturally achieve the rest. Take back control of your mind. Change your life!