Do you repeat the same mistakes in your relationships? Have you ever wondered why this happens?

When you look back at your past relationships, do you ever notice a pattern? Do you always make the same mistakes and fall for the emotionally unavailable ones (guilty!), the manipulators, or those that cheat?

Apparently, there is a neurological and psychological explanation for this behavior.

Humans are creatures of habit, in a professional, friendship and romantic capacity. You end up doing the same things over and over because it feels easy and comfortable to you. It’s common to avoid the unknown because you don’t know where it will lead… even though you are looking for happiness.

According to a psycho-emotional philosophical author, we, in fact, are not looking for happiness but familiarity. Attachment theory tells us what your future relationships are going to be like. How your parents treated you and acted towards you as a child will affect how you relate to people. These relationships when you were younger, will have given you a model as to how relationships should be.

According to de Botton, the author, you unconsciously look for your parents in your future romantic relationships. Your romantic partner does depend on the attachment you had as a child.

60% of people who underwent the study have secure attachment. The other 40% have an insecure attachment, which is further broken down between avoidant and anxious attachment.

What is an insecure attachment?

If one of your parents wasn’t around or didn’t give you much attention, you might end up with anxious or avoidant attachment. This could lead you to search for a partner who is emotionally unavailable. If you were abandoned as a child, you might look for love where you have to earn the other person’s love.

An anxious attachment person may need to be with their partner constantly. They might also need the frequent reassurance of their partner’s feelings. If you are a dismissive-avoidant person you can emotionally detach yourself from relationships. This makes you feel independent, you have learned to depend only on yourself.

How to change these attachments

When you repeat the same mistakes in your relationships, it is down to psychological and neurological issues. Your brain is trained to head towards familiar paths and this does make it difficult to change this behavior. You must first there recognize the pattern of picking the wrong people, it might take time, and it will be painful, but its down to you to recognize your pattern.

Once you have established this pattern, take small, slow steps to change it. This will also be difficult, if you are attracted to emotionally unavailable people, for example, you should cut ties with these people, your brain might try to tell you they will change, but they won’t. So you must. This new behavior will train your brain to follow a slightly different path, and in turn, you will no longer make the same mistakes, and instead pick people who will make you happy and feel secure.

This article was originally appeared at Life Advancer and used here with permission.

By Holly W.

Often we hear the term self-esteem. But, what does it mean?

Self-esteem is the acceptance of oneself in its wholeness, both of our strengths and positive characteristics and our negative traits and weaknesses. It is essentially the degree to which we value, respect and accept ourselves.

How Low Self-Esteem Develops?

Low self-esteem is a very common phenomenon and one of the main reasons one needs psychotherapy in order to strengthen it. It is largely determined by the experiences one had with familiar persons (parents, grandparents, siblings, etc.) from the beginning of his life.

When a baby begins to perceive that is no longer one with his mother, but a different entity, then begins to shape its self-image. This happens at about the first 12-18 months of his life and completed at the end of puberty.

If someone grows up in an environment where relationships with familiar persons are positive and empowering, the more likely it is to develop a positive self-image. Conversely, if indifference, lack of attention, affection, care, recognition and reward, comparisons, excessive expectations, disrespect, coldness, criticism, neglect, and condemnation dominate, the more likely it is that he will have a low self-esteem.

The lower self-esteem a child has, the easier it becomes an adolescent and then an adult with a negative image of himself. This happens because once this image has taken shape, the person tends to express it through his behavior into adulthood, thus accompanying in all aspects of his life, making his interpersonal relationships difficult.

Low self-esteem leads to a feeling of dissatisfaction with ourselves, a sense that we’re not entitled and not deserve to have a lot in life and in our relationships, feelings of disadvantage and inferiority, intense internal conflicts, sadness, unfulfilled needs and desires.

The self-image can be changed and it’s possible one to learn to love and respect himself and begin to see himself from another, more positive perspective.

Let’s see below in what ways one can improve his self-esteem:

1. Stop Comparisons

Do not enter the process of comparing yourself with others. Do not forget that every person is unique. The ideal is to compare yourself only with you and your accomplishments.

2. Be Realistic

Make sure you put realistic goals. Putting too high standards and unrealistic goals is the perfect way to experience frustration and disappointment. Divide each target to smaller ones. Once you conquer one, move on to the next.

3. Let Go of Perfectionism

Stop looking for and chasing perfection. Perfectionism can paralyze you from taking action because you become so afraid of not living up to some standard. And so, you procrastinate, you don’t get the results you expect, and your self-esteem lowers. Remember, the perfect does not exist and it is the enemy of confidence.

Watch: Stop Procrastination

4. Think About What You Are Proud Of

Devote every day 5-10 minutes to think about what you did in the day, and for which you feel proud of yourself. It may be something that seems very simple, however, it is significant (eg. you helped an elderly to cross the road, you collaborated very well with your colleagues etc.).

5. Learn from Your Mistakes

Do not feel bad if you do something wrong or fail on something. Mistakes are always instructive and valuable, and learning opportunities for growth and development. Learn from them and don’t give up!

6. Do the Things You Enjoy and You Are Good on Them

Sure you have talent on specific hobbies. Identify the things you enjoy doing and usually score well on them. This will give you an inner appreciation.

7. Avoid Negative People

Try to avoid people that through continuous sterile and negative criticism, devaluation and caustic comments cultivate doubts about yourself. Spend more time with supportive people that will make you feel comfortable, positive, and help you grow.

8. Do Something Positive for You

Reward and do often something positive for yourself. This may be a trip, a gift for yourself, doing an activity of your choice, such as going to a dance school or a gym.

After reading all these, you might think your own ways to improve your self-esteem. After all, you are the one who chooses which path you will follow in the course of your life. Psychotherapy also helps a lot to improve your self-esteem.

Also, through the journey of self-awareness, you have the opportunity to understand the obstacles that alienated you from yourself, the whys of your low self-esteem. Mostly, it depends on you!


Are you posting gym selfies on social media? Guess what… Science says you are or tend to become a narcissist!

Let’s be honest, each of us has at least one friend on the social media friends list who is constantly posting his or her daily routine in the gym. Or maybe that person is you?

The descriptions under the photo “I lifted 100 kilos in the bench press, so pumped” or “I run 5 kilometres, I could be a world champion” are greatly irritating. Scientists at the University of Brunel of London conducted a study which was aimed to find out why so many people are taking gym selfies and sharing their training details on social media. The results are not really encouraging.

The study

The main conclusion of this study says that people who take photos or videos during their activity in the gym tend to be narcissists. According to researchers, the primary goal is to boast about how much time they are investing in their appearance. Obviously, these status updates are earning more “Likes” on the social media than any other posts.

The self-obsessed individuals are bombing their audience with their achievements. This is an indicator of their need for attention and recognition from the social media community, says the study. A large number of “Likes” does not necessarily mean that the others enjoy these posts. Although the results show that narcissists get more “likes” and comments on such updates, the study shows that their friends in their social media circles secretly dislike them.

The growing tendency for selfies with the latest smartphones is associated with the persistence of the individual with the exterior. Also, people who take a selfie and immediately publish it on any social network are more likely to exhibit signs of psychopathy. At the same time, typical behaviours for “selfie-obsessed” people include lack of empathy and impulsivity.

The age of narcissists

The biggest problem of this new psychological disorder, which could be called Digital Narcissism, is that it puts tremendous pressure on people to attain unattainable goals, while simultaneously making them more persistent to achieve the unachievable.

Self is not a photo of the landscape, beach or a forest. We make sure that we are always in the picture, in order to impress others as much as we can. The display of each moment is now with one hand stretched forward. We try to look at the camera with our best smile or running on the treadmill while striving to fit in the frame of three and something inches.

In 2013, the word ‘selfie’ was chosen as a Word of the Year. That did not happen accidentally. Social media with the invisible power created a new stream with the selfies. The fury of the selfie has affected our behaviour at a significant degree. It turned us all into stars and celebrities. This is waking up the Narcissus that was sleeping inside us.

Of course, the biggest percentage of the narcissists and generally people who are obsessed with selfies are located in the gym. The gym has a lot of mirrors and that is the first step for narcissism. Then, there comes the obsession with gym selfies. We start to take one photo after another.

Humanity today needs to learn how to increase the self-esteem and how to live in the world which is predominantly ruled by social media narcissists. Taking fewer selfies and more landscape and landmark photos would be the first step on this path.

Credits: This article was originally posted at Life Advancer and used here with permission.

Back in the 80s I started studying psychiatry at the University of Illinois at Chicago. By the early 90s I had my very own practice (albeit small), again in Chicago. It was during these early days that I had a client – who shall remain nameless for obvious reasons – ask about subliminal therapy; they were very keen to try it. Up until that point I had used a combination of talk therapy (and medication where necessary) as is standard practice. I wasn’t familiar with subliminal therapy whatsoever, so I told my client I would look into it.

Now this was the very early 90s, so research involved several trips to the library. I’ve always been fascinated by the human mind so, while the hours spent in that library were long, they seemed to whiz by in the blink of an eye. Scientific evidence was (and unfortunately still is) sketchy on either side of the fence for subliminal therapy but I found enough evidence – as well as techniques – that I felt, if my client wanted to try it, I could, in good consciousness treat them in this manner.

Without going into the details of the case, I was very impressed by the results. I had used a combination of audio and visual subliminal therapy that I have (I’d like to think) improved upon since but the results were certainly worth paying attention to. However one client does not solid proof make. It also weighed on my mind that the possibility of the “placebo effect”, in this case, was rather high.

The very same client I had treated successfully with subliminal therapy then sent a friend of theirs to visit me. Over the course of four weekly visits, I treated them and was again extremely happy with the results. Not only was the treatment successfully but it was certainly much more quickly effective than talk therapy (more on this later).

Now I felt like my experience with subliminal therapy had a little more momentum behind it. When clients would come to visit my for their initial consultation, I would bring up the possibility of using subliminal therapy – explaining the positive benefits it could whilst also explaining that there was very little in the way of scientific research in the field. Most were more comfortable with traditional therapy, which is perfectly understandable, however, around ten to twenty percent were willing to try subliminal therapy.

I’m not going to lie and say it was a complete success every time, but in comparing what I consider a success rate (the client feeling they no longer need to see me, independently at peace with the issue they came to see me about) – there could be no doubt. Subliminal therapy was working and working well.

I still remember those early years very clearly. Amongst my clients – particularly those used opted to use subliminal therapy in conjunction with traditional methods – I was getting a lot more referrals than practising psychiatrists I’d gone to school with. Ever since I has always offered subliminal therapy at my practice. Some traditionalists scoff at such a “new age” method with the lack of empirical evidence but I have often wondered if such methods are held back because they aren’t as financially lucrative as the old talk therapy plus medication method. To some, while they do care about their clients, money is certainly a factor; why treat someone in two months when you can treat them in two years?

I am proud to call myself a psychiatrist and subliminal therapist and I’d like to see more psychiatrists – and others in the mental health field – embrace more techniques such as subliminal therapy, meditation, hypnotherapy, etc. The mind is such a complex thing that rarely can one angle of attack solve a problem completely. A complex issue often requires a complex solution.

Think about your life experience. Have you ever had a talk with a friend when you’ve needed to get something off your chest? It feels great to have the weight off your chest but that release of pressure generally only lasts until the next morning or the next time you are confronted by that problem.

What I am saying – in a round about way – is that the mental health practice in general needs a shake up. It needs to start looking into new ideas and also looking into the combined effect of techniques.

I hope this article has made you think a little about subliminal therapy, the mind, and mental health. The way to growth is trying new things and moving forward. If you can keep that thought in your mind, your life will greatly improve.

About the author

Dr. Jack Crosby has recently opened his own website,, to allow people from around the world to sample his subliminal therapy techniques.

It is estimated that the human brain generates approximately up to 70,000 thoughts a day. The 95% of these thoughts are the same thoughts we had the previous day. The result is that these repeated and successive thoughts create neural pathways in the brain, built in the form of beliefs. Then we begin to believe what we think and our faith becomes belief.

What Is Belief?

The word ‘belief’ comes from the verb ‘believe’, which means that I am convinced for something.

It is our internal confirmation that what we see, do and feel is real and substantial.

How They Affect Us?

The human brain works and acts according to the beliefs that is hosting, customizing everything around them.

For example if someone has the belief that he is not able to succeed in anything, then his mind, do everything to confirm his belief, until it succeeds.

Then his beliefs affect and directly drive his judgment and thoughts in relation to the decisions and choices he makes, forming in this way all of his life.

Watch Your Thoughts

According to scientific studies that have been done, the human brain can’t do two different thoughts simultaneously. We can’t be thinking of something pleasant and unpleasant at the same time. So we need to choose a kind of thinking.

The question is: What kind of thinking and information you want to keep?

Here we need to focus our attention to the result we want. If you want to succeed in your job, it will not help you if you think that you are not good, that you can’t do this job.

If you find it difficult to let go of this negative thought, prefer not to think at all.

When you stop to feed your negative thinking, then you create the appropriate standards for the positive thinking to take space within you.

Whatever thoughts you choose, they will guide your life.

Your words, your dreams and your thoughts have the power to create and provoke pleasant and unpleasant situations in your life.

So, watch your thoughts and be careful!

Don’t be the obstacle in your own way.

Make the shift in your thoughts and change your future!